Another Moment of Reckoning

Disclaimer: this post will be longer than usual, and it will be rather morose. I don’t want to depress any happy readers out there.

My uncle died last night. He had a brain tumor that could not be cured, so it wasn’t unexpected. And he had been suffering for a while, so there is comfort in the fact that he no longer gets those unbearable headaches or laments his paralysis. I unfortunately didn’t know him that well, which is my own fault for not talking to him more at family gatherings. But I’ll always remember him as “the uncle that pushed his birthday cake off the table.” That was Moe’s favorite story about him to tell. Anyway, any time someone even remotely connected to me passes, I start re-evaluating my own life.

By a twist of fate, a pertinent article appeared in my newsfeed. It’s a palliative care worker’s perspective on the top 5 regrets people seem to have on their deathbeds. All of them resonated with me, so I’m going to address each in turn. Here’s the link: http://www.ariseindiaforum.org/nurse-reveals-the-top-5-regrets-people-make-on-their-deathbed/

1 I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. The Lord knows I’ve been battling this one for a long while. I have always worried too much about what other people think of me. Since starting college I have had more bouts in which I did not, but at some key crossroads moments when I was hit with criticisms from everywhere, the bouts would end. I’m not entirely sure just what I want from life yet, but whatever I do, I vow to do for me. Being trapped in my own misery would be 1000x worse than enduring snickers and “coulda woulda shouldas” from nincompoops who clearly don’t care about my happiness and growth anyway, or they would be supportive of my decisions. Perhaps nincompoop was too harsh. I think many times we don’t believe we come across as critical but helpful. But I also think we (notice I include myself with equal culpability; just ask Grumpy Cat: I can be way too judgmental) all need to be more careful about what we say about others’ dreams. They are not are dreams to fulfill, so they are not ours to condemn.

2 I wish I didn’t work so hard. Well I feel awkward saying I’m going to work on this one given my post about perfectionism from not that long ago. At this point, since another few years of education lie ahead of me, this one will be somewhat on the back burner. But I don’t want to be like Adam Sandler in Click, who works too much at the expense of his friends and family. I cried in the movie theater while watching that, by the way. No case or whatever I end up working on should or will mean more to me than my own friends and family, including pets. That’s a nudge at my mom that we should get a Pomeranian, because they are such cute little fluffballs. Anyway, friends and family are important to me, which segues neatly into the next point…

3 I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. This is the one for which I have the most passion right now. When I read this title, I was thinking more about sharing positive feelings than negative ones (shocker, I know!) I was thinking about how heavy I felt at my grandmother’s funeral, knowing I would never get to hug her or tell her “I love you” again. The author’s point is about not always having peace as the primary goal: if someone hurt your feelings, he or she needs to know. I could stand to improve on this too, so I can eliminate all traces of passive-aggression, the trait I hate most about humanity. But I’m also making a promise to myself to tell the people I care about that I do care about them, love them, appreciate them (with specific examples!), and am grateful for them. I’ll start now: I am grateful to you, dear reader, whoever you are, for making it this far in this post. I never know my exact audience, and I write for myself more than others. However, it’s scary to think you’re putting your words into cyberspace, and nobody cares to read them. So I appreciate you for taking the time to share in my experiences and perhaps learn something.

4 I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. Resolved: I am terrible at keeping in touch. And for no reason, because it’s easier than ever in this age to do just that. *Cue my parents’ “Back in my day” schpiel.* This ties into #3, since you have to communicate with people before you can tell them how you feel, grateful, disgruntled, or otherwise. Here’s another vow: I promise to reply to your message, in whatever medium, within a reasonable amount of time (<1 week). Write me (currently at Kennedy 808, Box 579098; Georgetown University; Washington, DC 20057-9098), email me (laurahi1693@gmail.com), text me (you should have my number, and I feel weird putting it online), Skype me (laurahi1693; just let me know when to be on, because most of the time I’m signed out)call me (same as text; I’ve become a fan of telephone conversations again with my weekly group chats with my Clerk’s office group; there’s something about hearing people’s voices that makes your day better), beep me, if you want to reach me. Kim Possible throwback. I couldn’t resist. My point: I will be more proactive staying in touch with others, BOTH reaching out AND responding.

5 I wish that I had let myself be happier. Another doozie for me. I will be honest: my college experience has been on an overall positive –sloped trajectory (or “whiggish” to use a term I learned in history class), it’s been full of ups and downs. More downs than I had experienced in the previous 18.5 years. I like to think I’ve grown a lot the past approximately 2.5 years, but it hasn’t always been easy. There have been lots of growing pains, and I’m sure there will be more to come. I know that life can’t always be a bowl of cherries and a box of chocolates, and college will not be my “best four years.” But that’s alright, because I need these for years to get to where I want to be. I also have a wise friend who said “Your best four years are always behind you.” Another thing I’m really bad at doing: living in the present, not the past or the future. I know this is unhealthy and will get me nowhere, but it’s a habit I’m going to have to break. I’ll get back to you later on this one, because I think this is the most colossal regret to address.

What about you? Do any of these resonate with you? What are your thoughts? Please please share. I love feedback, new conversations, advice, any and all commentary. Unless you’re a nincompoop. Just kidding.