Rock Bottom, Rock On

Long post since I haven't written in a while.

The Hilltop has finally made it through the first full, five-day week of classes. I imagine that statement comes off as lazy or ungrateful to some, but the three-day week, four-day week, then BAM five-day week transition can trick a brain into thinking summer vacation is still happening. My housemates and I can assure you that summer is, in fact, over. Do we miss the laziness? Yes. But are we getting back in the groove and feeling thankful that we are learning how to be real, home-owning (renting) adults/college seniors on the cusp of yet another life milestone together? Definitely.

Speaking to my own adjustments, I admit to having been riding a wave of depression the past few weeks. I believe it was a combination of phenomena: striving to have fun senior year while fears of law school dance in my brain; continuing to adjust to the friendships that have recently crumbled, namely, trying to find a balance between 'People make you feel absolutely lousy; stay in your shell' and 'Wow! I really click with this person. Let's be besties immediately!'; shaking the rust off the part of my cerebral cortex responsible for my French language skills (there's quite a bit); struggling to comprehend why otherwise-healthy people catch minor illnesses that end up costing them their lives; missing out on friends' big events back home, albeit being there in spirit; you get the picture.

These past few weeks, I have said and done things I'm not proud of to try to deal with the above. I have pushed people away with complaints and pessimism. I have pulled away from friends I treasure because I didn't want to burden them with my pain/because I didn't think they would understand anyway. I have binge watched Criminal Minds with junk snacks instead of confronting my stress head-on. In short, I have tried everything I could ponder to run away from my life. I've run out of energy to keep running.

I don't know what it was about today, but I have finally shed all the tears I've had pent up. The catharsis factor of a good cry is not to be underestimated. Does it make your eyes puffy, nose red and runny (or stuffy), head seemingly swollen beyond the laws of physics? For me, yeah. But when the tears stop flowing, and you catch your breath, and you realize you're still alive through the seemingly insurmountable, you feel your insides breathe a sigh of relief. I attribute a major portion of my turnaround to God's great peace. I confess that I temporarily gave up on asking Him for help and guidance. I felt so hopeless, so empty, that I thought even God couldn't put my heart and mind back together. Fortunately, I now know I was wrong. Sometimes we have to learn lessons the hard way.

I realize and respect that some of my readers to not believe in the same religious tradition, or they have different ways of finding the beat of life again. Knowing that you, dear reader, have a way to emerge from your own trials and sorrows is all I need. I am open about my relatively new relationship with God in case someone else out there develops his/her own having heard of how God changed my life. The contentment my soul presently feels I wish for all of those suffering, and if my story helps them find it, I will be all the happier.

Do I hope this stint was my 'rock bottom' in life? Sure thing. Do I realize that I have had these difficult times before and will regrettably have to endure them again? Yes. But I still feel a change. My worries, for now, have somewhere else to go besides the swirling vortex that is my brain. My mistakes are forgiven. My friends and family love me and support me despite my shortcomings. Time to get back to being thankful for them and to moving forward. So here's to that.