It's been almost 3 months since I wrote. With final exams, move-out, a rapid transition into my internship, and as of June 1, a new puppy, I haven't had the time needed to reflect and write as I prefer to do: with thought and purpose. Technically I have had the time, but the physical and mental energy have not been present. Truthfully, neither has the desire. This summer has been one of many learning curves to which I have had to adjust. Fortunately, not all have been negative experiences. This post is my catharsis, my attempt to make sense of past events and to process them. To figure out where I have been and where I am going. Leaving out some specifics.
I have been pushed to my limits work-wise. Almost all of my duties this summer were new to me, and as you may know, I tend to magnify the gravity of slip-ups. Irrational, yes; typical of me, also yes. I would read paragraphs multiple times and still could not digest the relevant legal arguments. I received emails/phone calls to schedule various hearings and assemble the respective documents on rather short notice. I even had a couple of case files disappear, although I'm still convinced one of the building's ghosts pranked me. Furthermore, every document was easily 're-printable,' and the supply closet is teeming with file folders. I caused no irreparable damage, and everyone was understanding of my status as a still-undergrad neophyte in the legal world. To put my mistakes in perspective, I ask myself, "Is this going to matter in five years? A year? Two months?" And for just about all of them, the answer would be no. I have found relief in that. I have been reminded of the importance humility, self-forgiveness, and appreciation of those willing to help you navigate an unfamiliar path. As for the poltergeists, I'm still not a fan.
I have had a few friendships challenged this summer, and with them temporarily my inclination to trust others. I cannot say that I'm blameless in these matters: I had stints of passive-aggression, bitterness, and naïveté during which I attempted (poorly) to deal with my pain. I see now that said stints only prolonged conflict. I was not handling my emotions properly. I felt betrayed, and I reacted in a knee-jerk fashion. Nevertheless, my feelings were hurt, my loyalty stung, my faith in people shaken. I recoiled. Some of these challenged friendships I believe have been or can be saved. Others, regrettably, it seems cannot be, even though I cracked my shell of sullenness to extend a hand of reconciliation. For the former I will rejoice. For the latter I will grieve. From both I will become a stronger person.
On a brighter note, my relationship with God has become deeper. Two friends in particular have helped me nurture this relationship, and I am grateful for their presence in my life as well as their guidance. They have comforted me in the aforementioned circumstances and helped me break the lachrymose brooding cycle. They have made me smile and laugh when I had forgotten how.They have given me particular Bible verses to consult in trying times. Best of all, they have shown me what it means to be people of faith, and how God works miracles through the people He brings into my life. Growing closer to God in my own way has helped me because I feel less alone less often. I have somewhere to turn where I didn't before. God listens to my bumbling prayers and (I like to think) understands exactly what I want to say, even when I do not. He helps me work out my prayers in real life through His will and His scriptures. The reassurance I have of knowing that God is by my side no matter what lifts my soul; my only regret is that I did not seek it sooner.
*I want to emphasize
that this spiritual enlivening has NOT caused me to become intolerant of
other faiths. I have many friends of different religious traditions,
and I respect and admire the choice each has made for him/herself.
I have also had time to get a jump-start on my senior thesis project, time that has reminded me of the fun-filled grande ole seenyah year to come. Fall semester I'm taking four classes, down one from my usual; spring semester, I'm taking only two, one of which will be pass/fail. I'm living with my dearest friends from college. In a house. With a non-community bathroom and a full-size refrigerator. It's funny what you come to value after 3 years of dorm life. I'm going to have more time to explore DC, which I have been telling myself I would do for too long. Finally, I am accepted to law school in the District, which provides me with a degree of certainty that I cannot appreciate too much. Enduring hard times leads me to pine for the past or yearn for the future. To the past I cannot return, but to the future I will inevitably go. Reminding myself of the joys of tomorrow salves the wounds of today and gives me strength to heal them.
In short, I have been knocked down by pettiness and insincerity. My dreams and goals have been disparaged and criticized. My heart has broken over loss of friendship and betrayal of trust. But I have also been picked up by compassion and reassurance. My dreams and goals have been molded and modified through my learning experiences. And my heart, albeit partially, has mended through the love and support of God and the warm souls with whom He has blessed me. As such, I believe my 'trials' (get it?! Too punny) are not never-ending. And neither is this post.
Thank you for reading.
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